who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
