i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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