apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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