i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
