you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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