capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
