life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
