A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
