so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
