I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
