I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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