It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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