I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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