Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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