My liver just broke up with me...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
