omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
