I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
