I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
