Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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