apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
