We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
