ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
