hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
