the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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