got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
