I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
