I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize