If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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