if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize