yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
