Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
