I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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