just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
