you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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