I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Screwed.edu
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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