theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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