in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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