I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
