I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
