you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
