I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
