I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
