I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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