forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
