I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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