hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
