Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
