Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm having to shit out rocks
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