How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
