So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize