Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
