I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
