so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
