Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
