I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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