i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
