so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Randomize
