she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
