I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
