Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
