I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
